Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

My dream car is a taco truck.

You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k

the dark web is just a goth google.

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.