Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids