My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
this is how life feels
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
no one ever comes back
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes