My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
“I FIXED IT!”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️