My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
If I ignore life will it go away?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Sex so good you see dead people.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
live long and prosper!
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich