My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”