My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
A Short Story.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.