Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

When libraries troll their patrons.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.