Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

🙂🙃🥹

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?