My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
live, laugh, laundry.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.