My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
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You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
When you’re here for the treats.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?