My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Stop it! 😂
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?