Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

I’m not wrong

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.