Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.