Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor