My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother