My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid