Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

sure, why not

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.