My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.