My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
You Might Also Like
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
💯😂
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
