My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*