My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
