My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My daily affirmation
Are we there yet?…
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
My what?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
