If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.