My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
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I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Meow
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you