My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.