My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
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I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.