My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
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Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?