Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.