My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.