My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
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I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.