My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
the battle rages on
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.