Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?