Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

don’t message me unless you have this energy