My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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My chiropractor is a crack addict.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably