My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Wake me when AI does housework
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
#damn
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?