My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine