My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
New favorite tiktok
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another