My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
You got this…
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.