Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Can. I. Help. You.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

God tier horse name today on the sims

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

dude it’s called proctologist

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.