My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account