My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
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Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
