My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
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*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text