My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
don’t be scared
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me