My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.