My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks