Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.