My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”