My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it