Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.