Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

The legends speak of a third Duran…

Smells like a challenge to me

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Boom, boom, ching!

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”