My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
choose your gary
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good