My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Feels
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.