Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

moms in horror movies

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

I support this random dude and all his protests

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Yes my dude

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

I’m not wrong

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you