My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes