My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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just leave it at the foot of the bed
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class