I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Headed to a funeral. #yolo
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …
“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Mom: Where are you?
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*