@RodLacroix

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

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@ddsmidt

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

@3sunzzz

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

@jordan_stratton

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

@SteveKoehler22

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

@stacieooooo

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

@jwoodham

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*