My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
The human personality is made of five key elements
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I need a headline like this
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.