@RodLacroix

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

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@1_swarthy_dude

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

@Eden_Eats

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

@VisionBored1

Dear toy companies stop telling me your product will provide hours of family fun it will provide two minutes of interest followed by ten tantrums and exclamations of THIS IS BORING

@kacisuewho

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

@impaulmccoy

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

@vanluvz1

Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.

@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

@chuuew

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.