My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.