Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

the noise i just made

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME