My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Cheers Twitter.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”