Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why