My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?