My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.