Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

The only equipped I am is ill.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…