Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

so this horse walks into a bar

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.