Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing