My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
genius
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Oddly specific
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.