My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.