Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.