My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.